Aeris and Barret
by NekyuToi
Summary: Aeris and Barret are dumped deep into a forest by their mother when they come across a hash house where a wicked cow named Tifa lives...


Aeris and Barret

_Thank you for taking time out to read this parody on Final Fantasy VII and Hansel Und Gretel. Please note, Final Fantasy VII and Hansel Und Gretel are copyright by their respected owners._

Once upon a time, in a deep, dark forest surrounded by dead trees was a house. And in this house lived a family. The family consisted of a father, mother, daugther and son. This family was very poor, after the father, whose name was Vincent, cut off his hand after an accident whilst working. He worked in a tree factory, where dead trees were cut up to make Opium Pipes. The mother, Lucrecia was a wicked woman, who resented her children. She resented them because as they were poor, she was not fed well, since the food went to her children. Their names were Barret and Aeris. And this is their story...

"Barret, give me back my tinkle doll!" Aeris shouted. She and Barret were sat upstairs in their bedroom, playing with dolls.

"No, bitch, you said we could share!" he cried back. He pulled a string on the doll's ass and water gushed from in between the doll's legs, flooding Aeris' dress.

"You bastard!" she yelled as tears flowed from her eyes. Barret panicked, his mother would kill him had he made Aeris cry. He stood up and comforted her, handing her the doll. At that moment, Lucrecia burst into the room.

"That's it!" she spat out. "I've had it with you two, come with me!" she grabbed their arms and pulled them outside, shoving them into her VolksWagen Beetle car. Her plan was to drive them far into the forest and abandon them. Aeris wasn't stupid, and she sussed it out very quickly. So she pulled a hair pin out from her hair and stabbed her finger. She rolled down the window and let her finger bleed on the ground so she could follow it back to the house.

"Aeris, what are you doing?" Barret whispered.

"You'll see." she replied. Once Lucrecia had driven far enough, she opened the car's back doors and chucked them out, driving off quickly into the distance without them. Barret started to cry, as he knew they would be dead with all the animals around.

"Don't cry, brother." Aeris said. "Look, there is a trail of blood we can follow back home." Barret cheered up at the sight of this, and they set off to follow the trail home. Unfortunetly, the trail of blood had evaporated half way, and they had become lost..

"Oh, no. What are we to do?" Barret sobbed.

"We'll keep walking until we find another house." Aeris sighed. Barret nodded his head, and they continued walking in any direction through the thick forest. Night soon came, and eventually they were too tired to walk anymore. Aeris and Barret were about to give up and commit suicide when they happened upon an old wooden house made out of hash bread. The smell from the chimney made them feel high as they were drawn to the house.

"Hey, Barret, do you have a lighter?" Aeris asked. Barret pulled a 69' Zippo lighter out from his shirt and handed to Aeris. She tore a piece of paper in half from her blouse and wrapped some of the hash on the house into it. After lighting it, she took a few drags and handed it to Barret. A big breasted brunette woman who lived in the house caught sight of them however, and ran outside.

"Dear children, what do you think you are doing, smoking my marihuana!" she bellowed. Aeris and Barret almost pissed themselves at the sight of this woman, and quickly replied..

"Old lady, we got lost in the forest after our mother abandoned us, please spare our lives!" Aeris cried, as she fell to her knees.

"Don't be so silly.." the old lady laughed. "Come in, come in, I've a place for you." Aeris and Barret were kind of cautious, but went in all the same. After all, it's better than starving to death to live with a stranger. Unfortunetly, this woman was an evil witch who had other plans than to let the children live with her. She picked up a wine bottle and smashed it over Barret's head, knocking him clean out. Before Aeris could scream though, she picked up a tranquilizer and injected Aeris with it, causing her to pass out.

When Aeris awoke, she found herself locked in a glass cage. She ran over to the cage's door, which, unluckily for her, was locked. The witch came into the cage room and laughed as Aeris struggled.

"You big titted, fat, ugly bitch! Let me out of here right now!" she screamed.

"I don't think so, my pretty. I'll let you out on one condition. You shall be my slave." she laughed.

"Why should I do anything for a pompous old slag bag like you?" she cried.

"Old! You cow. Because, if you don't, I'll cook your brother and eat his flesh." she replied. This horrified Aeris, and she had no other choice than to agree..

Aeris was forced to clean the house and cook for the witch every day and night, and was worked to the bone just to save her brother's life. She cried herself to sleep everyday and had to sleep next to the witch's pet wolf who slept on hay.

One day, whilst Aeris was cleaning the kitchen, the evil witch called Tifa came into the room and asked Aeris how much she had done so far.

"Almost done.." Aeris replied with hatred.

"Good.." said Tifa. "As you've worked so hard I'll let you see your brother."

"Where is he?" she asked, wide-eyed.

"He's in the attic. But before you can see him, I'd like you to clean the oven."

"Oh, alright then." Aeris opened the oven's door, and the putrid smell of blood engulfed her nostrils. Aeris knew what she had planned the moment she smelt blood, she was going to cook her alive.

"Oh, madam." Aeris asked. "Why is your wolf in the oven?" she lied. Tifa shouted with alarm.

"Where!" Tifa bent down and looked inside, and Aeris saw her chance. She kicked Tifa up the jacksie and watched as she fell arse over tit into the oven. She slammed the oven shut and flicked the oven's switch. All that was heard was Tifa's final scream as she was burnt alive, to a crisp...

Aeris ran upstairs into the attic after murdering Tifa and kicked the attic door down. Barret was asleep on the floor with nothing but an oil lamp and a book in the room. She shook him awake.

"Barret, come on! The evil hag is dead, we are free!" she cried, as tears poured down her face. Barret jumped up in glee, but shouted in terror when he saw the witch's wolf stood by the doorway.

"Look, Aeris!" she spun around to see him.

"What do you want with us, Wolf?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"I wish to thank you.." he said. "Do not be alarmed. My name is Red XIII, and I will help you get away from this place. Now that my former owner is dead, the house will fall apart any minute!" Aeris grabbed Barret's hand and they all ran outside the house. "Wait here one moment." Red said, as he ran into the house. He emerged a few moments later, he neck carrying a bag full of bank notes. "This is Tifa's stash she earnt whilst dealing drugs, it may come in handy." he said. Aeris thanked him, as did Barret, and they climbed on his back to ride far, far away into the sunset where they came upon their old house.

Time had passed for 6 months since they were dumped by their mother, and she had died of an STD since then. So just when Vincent was going to kill himself, he saw his children come in the house with money and this raised his spirits. They all drove into town and bought tons of food to celebrate the children's comeback. They drove back to their house, but with all the excitement forgot to buy petrol, so whilst Vincent was driving the car spluttered, coughed and exploded.

_The End..._


End file.
